I Want To Be Her

First I wanted to be that girl on the big screen,

you know, the one with perfect skin

and fashionable outfits?

Then I wanted to be that one girl,

the one who everyone 

gathers around at a party 

because she's got it all together, you know her?

I really wanted to be the successful girl,

so I could be powerful,

ya know, like a feminist...my tenth grade biology teacher told me I was one--not a successful

girl, but you know, a feminist, I think there is some

truth in it.

I really wanted to be the girl on the cat walk, but 

my height killed me.

Then I started admiring the girl

who took amazing photos--thinking

how is capturing that through a lens, possible?

I would love to be that clever writer, the girl

that knows "big words" and

can paint a story on a page, you know

who I'm talking about?

I thought I needed to be the girl with thousands

of blog followers too--I really wanted to be her.

I didn't think I was good enough if I wasn't.

The girl with the perfect man--that girl, ya, I wanted

to be her too.

There's also that girl who raises chickens,

bakes her own bread,

and grows her own herbs.

Would have been cool to have been

the girl with four babies just about all at once, with

two on my hips at the same time.

But after much contemplation, I don't want to be that girl, her, or her.

I want, and am content with being this girl. Me.

I struggle with being me sometimes,

but I am learning to love her and

all that she is.

There's a bit of everything in me.

And I like exploring.

We Are Still Alive

I wanted to personally thank each and everyone of you who reached out and said such precious things to me regarding this post. Seriously, I was stunned and in such shock over the out pour of love and sweetness. Please consider this my personal "Thank You" and gratitude.

The title of this post might sound kind of strange, but I'll get there, it will make sense. I just need to work it out in my head a bit, bear with me, eh?

If we are still in the land of the living, that means we have not gotten a disease that has killed us, we have not been killed in some sort of accident, we have not been murdered, and we have not taken our own life. I think I covered all the ways that we generally die. For this truth, we are so lucky and blessed. I do not believe that disease and "bad things" are from God like a lot of people. Maybe that's too general, but I believe we are in a fallen world, and "bad things" come from something that is far from God. And why I believe that is more detailed but I didn't want to get into Theology. I'm just sure by me talking about death is stirring up feelings in a lot of you. In short, for whatever reason, WE, are still in the land of the living, and that is something to be grateful for. I think we take something as simple, yet profound as being alive, for granted.
Believe it or not, this is an encouraging post! At least I hope it to be.

How often to we want what we want now? How often are we impatient, day after day about one thing or another? How often do we feel defeated in our marriages, our jobs and in parenting? Isn't it true that we easily get frustrated and wish things could and would be different? We can't seem to understand the cycle of life. Sometimes things feel and look good, other times, if not most often, we are down and out by life because it's not what we had hoped for, or what we expected.

We are a people of wanting things NOW. We have dreams and envision a way of life, or a way of character that just doesn't seem to come, and if it does, it's slow.

I am eager for my skin to be shed, trust me. I want newness in my heart, constantly, and change is slow. That's looking internally, but I also want to be useful and purposeful in this life externally. I have ideas, dreams and hopes!

Sometimes I wonder if any of it will ever happen, or if the days will just keep going. I see how I'm used in my daily life and I do feel a sense of purpose, but it's spotty, and unpredictable sometimes, especially if I'm not feeling well. But what I need to remember in times of discouragement is that life is always unfolding! Even when we don't see it or realize it, something is always being worked "behind the scenes". We are still living, there is much to come! God is not finished with us yet, we are still alive! We don't have to feel defeated, we can take heart knowing that life is happening while we are waiting, we just might not see it or understand what it is. I trust that when trials come, let's say, I know that even though it's extremely painful and hard, that I am being made complete in my life. I am going through something I have never gone through before, I need to learn something I never have. I find solace in knowing that I am being made whole in the process called life. Or if I am wanting to accomplish something in my life, such as a book I want to write, I have to know fully that it might not look like the way I thought it would. There will be lots of bumps in the road and I may feel defeated a lot during the process.

If we are still alive, life is still working itself out.

Take my daughter going off to college for instance. I am not a fan of this stage. For many reasons. But what it's taught me is mind blowing. I have been so refined and have truly learned the meaning of letting go. I have not mastered it yet, but I never thought I'd be able to do it, and the sound of it a year ago sounded impossible. But in that year, I can see the things that were put in my life to lead me to actually doing it. That is what I mean by "working behind the scenes". It's almost like things are being knit together so precisely to one day eventually reveal themselves to us. How beautiful is that!

So if you are still alive, like I am, remember that not everything comes when we want it to. Or when we think we need it to. It's cliche' but I so believe in God's timing--He tends to know what we need before we know ourselves what we need. Learning to be patient to see what will unfold in your life can be a gut wrenching process, but trust that it will work itself out. Just when you need it to. Work toward what you want and set goals, have dreams...just know that it could take years for it to come! And I'm not kidding, I know people who have waited years and years.

Remember when you are going through painful times and you are hurting-- that your heart just needs to learn something new, and that you aren't complete yet. Your heart is being made whole!

We all must know that simply being alive is a gift!

What do you think you need to be more patient about?
How will you cherish being alive?
What new goals do you have?
What are you waiting for in your life?

She Knows Now

When she was being used,

she now knows she was innocent,

and that her heart would become

extra tender in years to come.

When she was told she was too sensitive,

she later figured out that she was

not afraid to feel or get

involved in humanity.

When she was told she was too serious,

she discovered that really, she was full

of passion.

When she was ignored and avoided,

she soon realized she was taken for granted, 

and that that had no bearing on her

whatsoever.

When she was told she talked too 

much and asked too many questions,

she learned the hard way that she

was an authentic soul to the core and

had a gift in relationships.

When others told her she 

was doing something scary or out

of the ordinary, 

she knows today that it was 

her love for helping others

that was coming through.

When she was told she was too fat, 

and not pretty enough,

she later discovered all

her worth was in her Jesus.

And knew that she was just right and

perfectly made.

When people told her she was

too loud,

she later realized it was 

because she was full of life

and excitable. 

When they pointed out that she would cry or laugh 

for no apparent reason,

she soon realized it was because 

of her ability to feel emotion, 

and express herself.

When they teased her for "soaking it all in",

she knew it was just an AWE-ness she had

and an appreciation for beauty. 

When someone rolled her eyes at her

and made her out to be some

sort of freak,

she knew, without a doubt

that she was misunderstood,

but that it didn't matter,

because she knew who she was.

Projections

Projections come in many forms. Are you going to allow what someone says to you, good or bad affect you?

Anyone out there ever read Parker Palmer? He's the sweetest guy, and smart too. Next to Henri Nouwen, he's probably my favorite author. I've been reading his book A Hidden Wholeness, and let me tell ya, it's remarkable. It's given me so many life tools and new ways to approach relationships and even new ways to approach myself internally.

How quickly do we get excited or high when someone pays us a compliment? I do not receive compliments well, but when I do receive them, it feels really good. And how quickly do we feel really low when we are put down or someone shares their negative opinion of us? Super duper quickly. I've always felt uncomfortable being tossed back and forth between compliments and put downs, but I could never put my finger on it. I knew I didn't like being swayed one way or another, but I didn't know why.

Parker Palmer helped me figure this out. Here is what he writes in his book A Hidden Wholeness:

"As soon as we succumb to someone else's definition or opinion of who we are, we lose our sense of true self and of our right relation to the world. It makes no difference whether those projections make us the hero or the goat: when we allow others to name us, we lose touch with our own truth and undermine our capacity to co-create in life-giving ways with "the other". Projections are endlessly distorting. We need to resist people's efforts to name us from the outside in."

I don't know about you, but I can relate to this in more ways than I care to admit. The modeling world, the work place, professors, family, even friends. Even strangers, the list goes on. And I think it goes above and beyond just projections. Aren't we gitty if something happens in our life that is maybe related to something "cool" or someone famous? I don't know something like when Joyce Meyers started following me on Twitter (hilarious, I know), for a minute I thought that was pretty cool. I thought I was on a different level than everyone else, I thought to myself, "She's following me?!" I must be something!!! But she does not know me from adam and I have no idea why she would follow me, and it wouldn't be on my own merit anyway if she saw anything worth following--apart from God I can do no good thing. (Besides, I was on Twitter a year ago for like 5 minutes--not a fan.)

Joyce Meyers or anyone else for that matter, not even another blogger who has 10,000 followers is better or cooler than anyone else. Viewing people in that esteem screws up my esteem, and it's all false. We are all worthy, equal, and loved by God.

I think we can all pray about receiving a peace and a strength in us so that we don't react so strongly one way or another by projections. I want to be a cool cucumber when it comes to this stuff. Don't you?! Easy breezy, and content! Bring it!

A Lifelong Struggle

Whenever I am having issues with anything, whether it's relationships, or just the inside war I'm fighting in myself, I will always, eventually, go back to what I feel natural about: authenticity. Few, in my experience are similar to me in that way, which can make for a challenge. I get tired of being the one that usually dives into conflict or confrontation. It seems like I am always making the first move at getting real. Sometimes I go through phases and think, ok, I'm done, and I put a boundary up. But that doesn't last long because not only am I prone to authenticity, I believe we were all created for it. The world doesn't really support us in this way though now does it? That's another blog post.

I've often asked my Mom and Dad if I have always been this way. Emotionally, deep feeling, authentic, seeking beauty, being positive, and passionate about others and life. They both have answered "Yes", as far as they can remember. It drives me nuts that I feel so "different", and I will often go to them asking them why.

What brings me here today is intimate. Very. I've felt discouraged about writing lately because I literally have believed that no one cares or wants to hear from me. Along with going through a lot of changes with my daughter going off to college, I have also felt my voice doesn't matter. So, I stay quiet. I've had a ton of encouragement along the way but I've also been discouraged too.  And there is a reason for that.

Believe it or not I want to talk about abuse today, and what it can take away from you. I was sexually abused when I was 4/5. I won't go into the details of it, and this is insanely hard to share, but lets just say I remember every single thing about it. It's absolutely outstandingly unbelievable what abuse can take from you. All abuse too. Verbal, emotional, physical and even financial abuse. Since the age of 5, something changed in me. Consciously and subconsciously. From that moment on you are a survivor, and you spend most of your life, trying to feel like you are someone. And believe me, there were plenty of ways I tried to be a "someone" in this life, that were terribly dysfunctional. When innocence is taken from you, your very worth (is what it feels like), and you are led to believe you are trash, and nothing more than, well . . .what happened to you, something changes. You do go into survival mode. You fight to feel loved. I have struggled with feeling, and believing I am loved for as long as I remember.

People and circumstances can rob us of a lot. I am here today, writing to tell you to not let it. Whatever it's been for you. Do not let that win. Do not let the person who has rejected you, mislead you into thinking you aren't worth it. Do not let the church that judged you, make you think that that is the true picture of God. Do not let the guy that left you, define who you are as a woman. Do not let the parents that abandoned you determine your very being of how special you truly are. Where you've been, what you've done, what someone has done to you does not have to set your life's path. Do not let that illness win and steal joy from your spirit. Do not let insults or hurls get the best of you, allowing someone else who isn't on your side or out for your best interest win by believing what they say to you!  Do not let a mundane marriage set the tone of your life...fight, I ask you all to fight. Whatever you have to fight for, do it!!! Don't let darkness take over, work toward the light.

I have had to fight for my very psyche. The voices, the lies, they are never ending. YES, they have gotten better over the years, but that's because I FIGHT! For me it has been finding my absolute worth and definition in God, but that doesn't mean that is how everyone else will fight. I believe with my heart and soul that I am God's Beloved, and even just me loving God and Him loving me is enough for me to live. That alone is all I would need, that alone shuts down all the voices and lies. It's God's love that has led me to forgive the man that shattered me 35 years ago and who could have controlled my life until my grave had I not chosen to fight! It's who God says I AM alone, that makes me not only live, but makes me come alive.
It's how I fight. It's why I fight. How will you fight?

When I had to quit work in 2007 due to the 7 surgeries I had that year, it was hard. Not the illness alone and the physical trauma and emotional trauma of all I was going through and had already been through but because in America, we are obsessed with WORK. Not just in our 9-5p jobs, but in our yards, in our garages, in our kitchens...work work work. Yes! I believe a we must work! But when the emphasis is borderline obsessive in my opinion, it can mess with your head and if one doesn't work outside the home, they can tend to feel like a loser or like they are useless. I mean what is the first thing people usually ask you when you are at a party or a gathering? "So, what do you do for a living, where do you work?"

For the first 3 years or so of my not working, I didn't think much of it because I was in such bad condition. But over the last 2 years, my recovery is taking shape, but not to the point where I am able to work yet. If I did work, I wouldn't have a life outside of that because it would take everything out of me, and I would only last a week or two because I would be drowning in fatigue and pain. The point of all of this is that now that I am able to do more in my life and now especially with my daughter gone, it's more all up in my face that I don't work. I can not let this win. I have to shut out voices in my own head, and voices of other people, and always keep telling myself the truth, and reminders of why I can't work. I have to remind myself that I do have things going on, like opening up a Etsy shop come October, and that I am a Lay Counselor. But I don't even have to convince myself that way. It's OK to be non-conventional, even if I could work, and I chose not to, it's OK. How ya like them apples!!!

I encourage you to not let what is beating your spirit down, to continue. Get real, face it, dig deeper and come clean with yourself in your struggles. It's ok to struggle, we all do. But not living in authenticity, like I haven't been with my blog for a while, is not true to who we are. We all have something to share, say and fight for. Sometimes coming clean with ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but I've found it's the most rewarding.

With my daughter out of the house now, I have to find the rhythm of my new life, and not my abuser, or anyone else in a negative way will shape that. They don't define it, they don't have to agree with it. As long as I'm fighting for what's real, and for the truth, my life is worth something.

She's Ok

photo by me, southwest, mn

in the dark of day, 

she's ok, she's ok

in the midst of confusion and wandering,

she's ok, she's ok

in her time of exhaustion and pain,

she's ok, she's ok

when she's abandoned and no one is listening,

she's ok, she's ok

in her moments of weakness, 

she's ok, she's ok

if she's full of fear,

she's ok, she's ok

in sickness and trials,

she's ok, she's ok

in times of apathy,

she's ok, she's ok

in tears, shouting, and meltdowns

she's ok, she's ok

when days are long and saddness follows,

she's ok, she's ok

when she's all alone, or afraid,

she's still ok, she's ok

her feelings or days don't knock her down,

or pick her up,

she is steady, 

with or without those

unreliable things.

she is not thrown off,

she fights for peace,

and security,

and beholds what is true.

When I Give the Homeless Money

I am with my niece and nephews every Wednesday in the summertime. These kiddos crack.me.UP.
Every week I am laughing over something hilarious that they say or comment on, really, they could have their own show.

Last week, I rolled down the window at a stop light and gave the homeless guy standing there, some cash. My niece says to me after we drive away,

"Auntie Gina! What are you doing? Why are you giving him your money (she laughs sweetly, quietly)!?" 
I say,
"What do you mean, why?"
She says, 
"You know what he's going to do with it, don't you?"
I say, 
"No, what?"
She says,
"He's probably just going to spend it on something he doesn't need like cigarettes or for drinking, they always do don't you know that?"

I am well aware that this is the popular opinion of the general public. And I can't say that I disagree. The thing is, is this. I told my niece that I feel that I am being obedient. God has flat out asked us to take care of the poor in many many ways, and one of the ways I can do that is by giving some cash when I drive by a corner they stand on. I told my niece Sophia that it didn't matter to me what the guy does with the money after I give it to him, what matters is that I gave it to him. God looks at my heart. God is concerned about my responses in life and loving people. And by showing this homeless man some mercy by giving him some cash, is loving him and loving God, and I told Sophia that that is all that mattered.
I also told her that I can pray for that man, and that there is a lot of power in prayer.

I am sure she never heard it that way before, but she seemed to understand and liked the new way to look at it. I love teachable moments with kids. I am SO going to miss, I already do, those moments with my own girl.