My Face Is Changing

Making Peace with a New Face

What does your face show? As I look at photos of myself recently, I do see aging. And not in a negative way. After almost 40 years, I am starting to see a woman who is coming together, and standing in a lot of victory. But still has a long way to go.

As I am looking into how I am going to say goodbye to my only child in August (as she leaves for college), it's evident to me that it will be another milestone that I confidently will find victory in. I doubt myself-that I can't live without her. Hey, you try getting a kid at 19 or 20, you'll see the bond is so deep there aren't words to describe it. I've built my adult life around this child, around motherhood. The last 20 years.

But back to being victorious as a woman. What have you found victory in? I know as years to come I inevitably will age even more, and faster. And I will then, with God at my side, see more victory. Our faces hold so much--sadness, joy, pain, distress, confusion, happiness, laughter, despair, excitement, fright, relief, and so much more. My face has experienced all of those and a million others.

There is satisfaction in seeing how I'm aging in the last year or two. I look at a girl, who has been so broken and down and out for many many years, and who has faced so much hardship and difficulty. But then I  found my prince, and then was broken again for years. I see triumph in the trials I've faced, persevering through an illness that has fought to keep me down for years. I've had happiness, joy and severe pain. I'm constantly moving to my hearts beat. Always wanting to dig deeper, find the meaning, and grow in wisdom. I put my all in everything I do, and in all my relationships because I know that that is where life is found and where we feel complete and connected. Only to be burned. But who hasn't? We have all lost, loved, and started over. I feel like I'll be starting over in less than 4 months.

I am happy and feel peace that as I go forth with this new life waiting for me in the next 6 months, that I can confidently post of photo of myself on FB, or on my blog-- and my daughter will know that I think I am beautiful. And you're beautiful. That I stand in victory over much and more to come. To tell your child that you are finally to a place where you have self acceptance is probably your greatest gift to her. 

What victories does your face show? Are you seeing aging, but embracing it? Can you tell your son or daughter that you think you are beautiful and that you accept yourself? Flaws, perfect imperfections and all? 

I Chase The Moon

I'm reading Ann Voscamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I like it because she talks mainly about how the root of our inner struggles and discontentment have to do with ingratitude. She uses the word Eucharisteo as in giving thanks for everything, I mean everything. Having that be the way of the eyes, the way we see things. I really like this book. But what's surprised me the most is a chapter where she starts talking about beauty. I rarely hear authors talk about it, or people for that matter, so it has been a lovely surprise! I finally feel like I can relate to someone when it comes to chasing beauty, and having it be all consuming.

See, I've always felt like my hunt for beauty is a burden. It feels so heavy sometimes, my fervent search for all things beautiful, good or bad, happy or sad, hard or easy, nature or people. I'm constantly seeking beauty. And because most people around me don't operate that way, it can be a challenge. People don't seem to understand. I feel out of place. I feel silly and down right dumb sometimes because of my "child like" ways. So when I was reading this book, I felt a huge relief, "I'm not alone! There are others that are freaks just like me!"

Ever since I can remember, and I've asked my parents too (they said since I was a toddler), I have appreciated, sought out and got excited in the beauty of things. Whatever it might be. I could be in amazement over the stars, like literally where I can't move on or function until I feel I can grasp their beauty and wonder. Or other countries for instance. I am in awe of the uniqueness and the beauty they hold. Or our creation, all around us; in animals, trees, flowers, insects, snow, rain, clouds, grass, the moon of course and the air itself! Or in museums, or art galleries, or musical instruments--it all amazes me! Every function of every living thing blows my mind.

"All beauty is only reflection." Ann Voscamp

I wonder all the time why I am like this! It's a burden because sometimes, a lot of times, I hold people up, meaning I take longer when it comes to so many things, whether I'm taking pictures, staring at something or simply just enjoying what's before me. People also think I'm different or weird, maybe even silly. But I don't plan it to be this way, it just is. Here is an excellent quote by C.S. Lewis that helps explain my inner:

"What more, you may ask, do we want? Ah, but we want so much more--something the books on aesthetics take little notice of. But the poets and the mythologies know all about it. We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words--to be untied with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become a part of it." 

Beauty is the way of the inner eye. Ann Voscamp in One Thousand Gifts

I don't think I'll settle down in my quest for beauty. Beauty around me, beauty in people, beauty in what's broken--anything in my life or what is around me, I want to see it, and experience it. I crave it. I long for it in the depths. For me, it's the only way to live. The only way to function. The only way to breathe.