A Lifelong Struggle

Whenever I am having issues with anything, whether it's relationships, or just the inside war I'm fighting in myself, I will always, eventually, go back to what I feel natural about: authenticity. Few, in my experience are similar to me in that way, which can make for a challenge. I get tired of being the one that usually dives into conflict or confrontation. It seems like I am always making the first move at getting real. Sometimes I go through phases and think, ok, I'm done, and I put a boundary up. But that doesn't last long because not only am I prone to authenticity, I believe we were all created for it. The world doesn't really support us in this way though now does it? That's another blog post.

I've often asked my Mom and Dad if I have always been this way. Emotionally, deep feeling, authentic, seeking beauty, being positive, and passionate about others and life. They both have answered "Yes", as far as they can remember. It drives me nuts that I feel so "different", and I will often go to them asking them why.

What brings me here today is intimate. Very. I've felt discouraged about writing lately because I literally have believed that no one cares or wants to hear from me. Along with going through a lot of changes with my daughter going off to college, I have also felt my voice doesn't matter. So, I stay quiet. I've had a ton of encouragement along the way but I've also been discouraged too.  And there is a reason for that.

Believe it or not I want to talk about abuse today, and what it can take away from you. I was sexually abused when I was 4/5. I won't go into the details of it, and this is insanely hard to share, but lets just say I remember every single thing about it. It's absolutely outstandingly unbelievable what abuse can take from you. All abuse too. Verbal, emotional, physical and even financial abuse. Since the age of 5, something changed in me. Consciously and subconsciously. From that moment on you are a survivor, and you spend most of your life, trying to feel like you are someone. And believe me, there were plenty of ways I tried to be a "someone" in this life, that were terribly dysfunctional. When innocence is taken from you, your very worth (is what it feels like), and you are led to believe you are trash, and nothing more than, well . . .what happened to you, something changes. You do go into survival mode. You fight to feel loved. I have struggled with feeling, and believing I am loved for as long as I remember.

People and circumstances can rob us of a lot. I am here today, writing to tell you to not let it. Whatever it's been for you. Do not let that win. Do not let the person who has rejected you, mislead you into thinking you aren't worth it. Do not let the church that judged you, make you think that that is the true picture of God. Do not let the guy that left you, define who you are as a woman. Do not let the parents that abandoned you determine your very being of how special you truly are. Where you've been, what you've done, what someone has done to you does not have to set your life's path. Do not let that illness win and steal joy from your spirit. Do not let insults or hurls get the best of you, allowing someone else who isn't on your side or out for your best interest win by believing what they say to you!  Do not let a mundane marriage set the tone of your life...fight, I ask you all to fight. Whatever you have to fight for, do it!!! Don't let darkness take over, work toward the light.

I have had to fight for my very psyche. The voices, the lies, they are never ending. YES, they have gotten better over the years, but that's because I FIGHT! For me it has been finding my absolute worth and definition in God, but that doesn't mean that is how everyone else will fight. I believe with my heart and soul that I am God's Beloved, and even just me loving God and Him loving me is enough for me to live. That alone is all I would need, that alone shuts down all the voices and lies. It's God's love that has led me to forgive the man that shattered me 35 years ago and who could have controlled my life until my grave had I not chosen to fight! It's who God says I AM alone, that makes me not only live, but makes me come alive.
It's how I fight. It's why I fight. How will you fight?

When I had to quit work in 2007 due to the 7 surgeries I had that year, it was hard. Not the illness alone and the physical trauma and emotional trauma of all I was going through and had already been through but because in America, we are obsessed with WORK. Not just in our 9-5p jobs, but in our yards, in our garages, in our kitchens...work work work. Yes! I believe a we must work! But when the emphasis is borderline obsessive in my opinion, it can mess with your head and if one doesn't work outside the home, they can tend to feel like a loser or like they are useless. I mean what is the first thing people usually ask you when you are at a party or a gathering? "So, what do you do for a living, where do you work?"

For the first 3 years or so of my not working, I didn't think much of it because I was in such bad condition. But over the last 2 years, my recovery is taking shape, but not to the point where I am able to work yet. If I did work, I wouldn't have a life outside of that because it would take everything out of me, and I would only last a week or two because I would be drowning in fatigue and pain. The point of all of this is that now that I am able to do more in my life and now especially with my daughter gone, it's more all up in my face that I don't work. I can not let this win. I have to shut out voices in my own head, and voices of other people, and always keep telling myself the truth, and reminders of why I can't work. I have to remind myself that I do have things going on, like opening up a Etsy shop come October, and that I am a Lay Counselor. But I don't even have to convince myself that way. It's OK to be non-conventional, even if I could work, and I chose not to, it's OK. How ya like them apples!!!

I encourage you to not let what is beating your spirit down, to continue. Get real, face it, dig deeper and come clean with yourself in your struggles. It's ok to struggle, we all do. But not living in authenticity, like I haven't been with my blog for a while, is not true to who we are. We all have something to share, say and fight for. Sometimes coming clean with ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but I've found it's the most rewarding.

With my daughter out of the house now, I have to find the rhythm of my new life, and not my abuser, or anyone else in a negative way will shape that. They don't define it, they don't have to agree with it. As long as I'm fighting for what's real, and for the truth, my life is worth something.

Adjusting

Sometimes as a writer and a blogger, it's easy to convince yourself that no one cares. No one really cares what you have to say.  I have been convincing myself for a while that people don't really care what's going on in my life, so don't bother writing. And on top of that, I planned to take a little blog break because I just dropped my daughter off at college 3 days ago and I thought I was too raw and numb to write. But then an unassuming reader said, "Or you could just WRITE."

So I thought to myself, ya, I guess I could. Even though my head is foggy, my emotions are raw and my feelings are numb--is that possible at the same time?!
Plus I can choose to ignore the voices that are saying, "No one cares what you have to say."

It happened. I dropped my girl off at college. At a town two hours from here. My husband and I both. He did all the heavy lifting with Madelynn, and I stayed put in the dorm and started unpacking, I couldn't do the 3 flights of stairs. A cute Frat boy did stop along the way and helped them out though, boy he had impeccable manners. Whoa.

Here is my girl in her dorm-she's in the Volans House! Represent!

Tuesday, that was the day we dropped her off, was the oddest day in history for me. It didn't feel real, because up close and personal, my life was changing forever as I knew it. I felt I had to walk away from my life. From her. So much of my identity in ways. This girl I have kept safe--who am I kidding, I haven't kept her safe the whole 18 years, see, I've been lacking faith lately. But really, leaving her out of my care--is not easy. I know, right, where is my faith? I have been wondering that too.

Coffee break!

To say that this will be an adjustment is an understatement. So much is different around her already and it's only been a few days! I could make a list, but I think that would make me feel worse.
I mean I went from being a single mom for 7 years to being married was an adjustment, but I still had my girl. Now I need to learn to live life, without her. No this isn't a death, but let me tell ya, it sure feels like one. I feel like I'm in mourning and I'm super sad. I've had fatigue for 2 days, and horrible headaches. Today is the first day I don't feel like I'm drowning.

I thought I was good at handling change too, I mean I am practically a pro. But I guess when it comes to my kid, I'm not. And I'm scared. Scared of all that is out there waiting for her and scared she'll make some poor choices. That's a novel thought, making a poor choice, like I've never done that?

You realize so much as a parent. Every day, every week, every month we can grow if we just step out in faith. We don't have to be crushed or consumed by the reality of what is going on in our lives with our kids. And that stands true for all parents. We can gain new perspective and have faith in the process, we can have faith that God is bigger than any of this. And if we trust in Him, no not everything will be perfect or no that doesn't mean our kids are protected from every problem or issue, it just means that we know God is at work in their lives, and He is for His people, He is making it all good, no matter how bad it all might seem. We count on this. And in this world, what else, who else, can you truly count on?

We are all feeling a little lost around here.

My daughter and I both have a lot of adjusting to do, we'll get there. All is new to her, all is new to me. I have to support, and encourage her new life without me. Gosh the analogy of the bird leaving the nest is so cliche' but so very true. My husband reminded me of that the other day. And it helps put things into perspective, because she just can not stay in this nest anymore, she needs to get out of it and fly on her own. And I refuse to get in her way. It's her time to spread her wings, and as they say, and soar.

A Glimpse

What a whirlwind my life has been the last several months, but I thought I'd consolidate the best way I know how! So here is 1-5 of what's been going on in my world.

1. Spring (and summer) came to Minnesota! We literally had a snowstorm the first week of May, it was crazy! Beautiful, but crazy. And a mess. I think we were all convinced it would pass us by this year. But low and behold, it arrived. . .

 Since this year has been so busy, I rested when I could, especially before it got warm outside. Several of my days looked like this.

 My daughter will be attending Winona State University (yep, home of Winona Ryder ;) in the Fall. We had a chance to go visit and walk around a bit.

 See, see, spring!!!

 Out my window

I got the most beautiful bouquet of flowers the morning of Madelynn's graduation party. Most thoughtful gift I've practically ever received from a friend.

Went to the National Eagle Center in Wabasha, MN

Do you get Peonies where you live?

Nells is doing great!

Been hanging out and being blessed by some Young Life girls. Oh they are precious to me.

Making sure to always treat myself to little pleasures.

Again, do you get Peonies where you live?

At the Eagle center with the In-Laws; we are in a giant nest! As big as a hot tub.

 This summer Minnesota has delivered quite the sunsets and pink skies. I have been goo goo ga ga over them.

Getting out and visiting these guys makes me so happy.

 Neighborhood streets.

 Day trip to Stockholm, Wi.

Quaint and lovely.

 We were blessed to have Robin's again this year!

 I look forward to my Lily of The Valley every May. They were 3 weeks late this year!

Worth the wait.

 Finally got to sit outside and eat!

 Front yard potting. And my helper.

 Walks and catch.

 I got to get all dressed up and go to a bachelorette party!

And her wedding.

Bride and I being silly the day before her wedding!

 More resting days.

 When it first started getting warm to the point that we could finally open our windows, Nells was in heaven! He stood amazed and all the sounds and smells of the air!

 I thrifted a new chair!

 Madelynn took the day off so she could spend Mother's Day with me. It was a fun day.

We went and spent some time with my mom, my sister and niece. Cherished time!

 Madelynn was invited to Awards night at the High School and was awarded 4 achievement awards and 3 scholarship's! I was beaming.

 One of his last trips to pick up sissy from school. Lots of "lasts" this year.

Last choir concert ever, bravo! We were all in tears.

2. Senior Prom happened.

3. I "graduated" from my training in Lay Counseling, so I am now officially a Lay Counselor! I'm already seeing a client and it feels amazing...so natural!

 One of the books we had to read--AHmazing.

 Studying for our last test with a friend.

My husband and family threw a little congratulatory surprise dinner for me, how sweet.

A bunch of us from our class at a wedding in June--we had such a special, close knit class. Love them so much.

4. Still getting my craft on!

 I am having a blast making these bracelets, here is the pattern if you are interested: crocheted bracelet.

 Creating and planning for my daughter's grad party!

 I made this "13" board for the grad party full of "pre-digital" time photos-I love how it turned out!

 My afghan is coming along nicely, I want it done by Fall!

 Paper doily banners for grad decorations.

 Motif

 Dishcloth

 The start of a new afghan!

 I am hoping to open an Etsy shop come September or October!

 Lace bookmark, what took me so long to think of it?!

Thee best coconut pound cake, THE best. Recipe!

 Creating on Vintique!

Signage and goodies for grad party.

More creating on Vintique.

I know I know, I need a manicure.

More bracelets

and finally number 5., last but not least my daughter graduated from High School!!!

Seeing this laying on my island the morning of graduation was bizarre. 

Excited graduate!

Ya, I have "that" kid.

Watching my baby graduate. Full of emotion.

When I saw her come toward me on the field afterwards, I was stunned. I was nervous because all I could see when I looked into her eyes was this 4 year old, going off to Pre-K. She still has those same eyes, ya know. I would relate a lot of this time of year to my wedding.

Such a surreal moment. So many feelings. So many people. Such a long awaited celebration.

I must say we had the most beautiful cakes!

Cake table! My MIL made the tablecloth, isn't it gorgeous? I made the banners and the chalkboard.

The centerpieces. I made the mason jars with lace. And a friend of mine, Sunny, made the photo circles and quotes. Sunny by design. You would not believe how she has blessed me in this season. Making everything from invites, thank you's, paper banners, food flags etc...she was amazing and I am in complete AWE of her.

Creating her "memorial"!

Yes we had rain for the first hour but this Momma refused to let that bring her down!

Lots of sweets!

Decorating in the rain.

What a time this year has been. After the graduation party, I looked around at 9pm, and thought, "now what"? I froze. I couldn't clean or pick up a thing. I was numb for days, weeks actually. I finally just started snapping out of it last week. I'm so thankful for all the help I received; I have the best family and friends. Don't we all? How grateful I am for that. The immense emotion that I felt I just didn't expect. Seeing old friends, seeing family I hadn't seen in so long. A good friend said she thought it was adrenaline that saved me; that that's what got me through the day. What a heavy weight! A total whirlwind and roller coaster. That's why it reminds me of something similar to a wedding. Seeing guests, tons of gifts, so much preparation, a happy couple or person of the hour, (we were all really really happy),  and then BAM, it's over. Another chapter closed but many many more that will open. Thanks for being on the journey with me and for encouraging me, I love your support!